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One of those letters that shouldn't be sent

Oct 17, 2007
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Dear Claire,

I heard that you don't have any closure on that situation a year ago? Ya know, when you threw a drink in my face and slapped me and said "I hope you never come back from Africa"... Yeah, that must really suck. I don't really need closure cause I pretty much just wrote you off along with the other backstabbers you call your friends. However, I do have some questions that you might not have considered in your effort to deal with the fact that I still have everything going for me and you don't- even though you slapped and soaked me pathetically in the beer garden.

First of all, is finding out that I fucked Chris what pushed you over the line? Cause I fucked him a buncha buncha times during the nine months before the slap when we stopped being friends. We were functional fuck buddies, and I think we worked cause I didn't ask for a commitment like you did. He thinks its cause you're a lesbian. It must have really stung when you kicked me out of your apartment and he left with me. And just so you know, he and I are still friends, and we fucked when I got back from the motherland a year later. And don't flatter yourself, it was never about you. We just have really great sex.

Also, why do you have to give Jewish people a bad name by being too cheap to buy a drink to throw in my face. How could you really ask for a sip of my drink( which I didn't pay for cause a sexy ass man bought it for me) and throw it in my face?

Also, if you ever stoop this low again, you didn't hit me hard enough. I was shocked, certainly- cause I'm chill and think I live my life in a way that could never have provoked this event, but it didn't even piss me off. I was honestly nervous that I would really hurt you if I really fought you, plus without you challenging my beliefs or hurting someone I care about, I didn't have nearly the necessary adrenaline to raise my hand to you. Thats how little I care about you. Kind of like a fly that buzzes annoyingly around only to be swatted and ignored. I'm sorry, but I pitited you a long time before you did this, and maybe that was lame of me not to say, but all our friends at the time were mutual.

Finally, I was just wondering, ya know, since we haven't spoken since the 'incident', if your parents love you more now than when we used to be friends, cause I remember them always loving your sister more. Also, do your roommates hate you for alienating me cause they always liked me better?

Anway, don't ever come near me because you can't be watched closely enough. I hope you've gotten help for not being able to control yourself, cause that shit really doesn't fly in the real world, just in college sports bars. I've moved on and I hope you can do the same. I hope you can finally get over me. and yourself.

You've wasted the last of my time,

ps- have you taken care of your excessive armhair, yet?