2 posts tagged “boyfriend”

As far as my love life I’m facing a bit of conundrum.  Brief history: My most serious relationship ended because I fell in love with someone who ended up being capable of horrible things I never could’ve forseen. In a word, he was abusive. I wanted to be with him forever, but I could never really get over the final physical assault. I mean, I tried to forgive him and stay with him, but the infatuation and intense lust was too much. How could the person I had been sooo intimate with harm me in that way? To risk being in the same situation- thinking he was going to break my jaw, hitting him as hard as I could and yelling for help in a public place- was something I am too smart for a second time.

  My family had been so supportive of the very first interracial relationship in the history of my family- which I’m all for- I’m obsessed with diversity- yet for things to have happened that I didn’t feel I could tell my mom or my brothers meant that it was logically wrong, no matter how my heart felt.  I  had to spend a lot of time convincing myself that he was wrong for me even though it felt so right and now have such an icy interior when it comes to love that I’ve put myself in a position where I refuse to be hurt in such a way ever again.  For the next two years I had many suitors, some short intense, even international affairs. Now I’m just tired. I feel that I’m supposed to be alone for a while, independent, free from the complications that love and companionship can bring. 

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my parents divorce, its that there are worse things than being alone. So while this is many peoples greatest fear, I’m not afraid of being alone. I like myself better than most people anyway. Additionally, I’m tired and I don’t feel sexy. I feel like masturbating- all the time, a skill I didn’t master or understand until I was 20 years old- so I have a lot of alone time to make up for, anyway. How much is too much, anyway? Last semester I had a short romance with a boy who was great for me. A gentlemen, well traveled, bilingual, smart, from my town, and we had great sex right off the bat. But I got bored. He liked me too much and it was a huge turnoff for me. Basically I chewed him up and spit him out like a cold hearted bitch. Or perhaps moreso like guys typically do.

 I thought maybe I could have some fun with a boy I have a lot of history with so while the horribly disappointing sex we had at his lakehouse was fun for old time sake and we’ve already done it so it wasn’t another notch on my bedpost, but I wouldn’t call 10 seconds of intercourse sex at all. So I’ve decided to be celibate just to see how it goes. I’ve just been taking care of myself and my friends and have arrived at arguably the greatest position and outlook I’ve ever had. However, since beatlennium I’ve been sleeping over an awful lot at my friend P’s house.  I have a crush on him. I sleep over, and its not complicated by any physical bullshit. Of course, now he really likes me and I like him, too, except I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m programmed to break hearts right now.  Somehow, in making it all about me, I’ve sucked this other person in and now I care how he feels.  I don’t want to feel guilty for letting him take me out on valentines day and giving me flowers. 

I don’t want to feel guilty now that he looks at me in that ‘way’ that if he told me he didn’t like me he’d be obviously lying.  And this is how selfish I am, while I wish he wouldn’t like other girls, if there was another girl who could be more for him, I would hope that I wouldn’t be a cockblock. I don’t want more from him and I can’t stand the thought that he might want more from me because I care and want him to be happy. I realize that its only societal norms- current ones- that make me feel guilty for things not being physical right now. Any other guy in my past who treated me as well as he does would definetly have gotten laid by now. Of course, he wouldn’t have been my type in the past.   Hilariously, he and his roommates have no idea what kind of lush I really am and have been. I’m neither prude nor asexual. I’m an absolute freak on hold.  Its getting to the point where I feel like we have to talk about it, but why? That never goes well. I’ll just babble. Plus is it really my job to bring it up? 

I realized I had a crush on him one time when I was tripping on mushrooms.  I walked the bowl across the room to him- he wasn’t tripping but is one of those people that can totally chill and not be a buzzkill. After I handed him the bowl I just looked around the room trying to trip out from another perspective, creepily hovering by the edge of the couch.  After a moment (I had no sense of time) he handed the bowl back to me. I wasn’t waiting to take it to the next person. I was just standing out of my mind but he normalized my behavior by doing that and I had an epiphany. The number one reason I like him is because he either thinks the crazy things I do are either really cute and endearing or he doesn’t notice.  I feel like he would never judge me, hurt me, make fun of me. Its comforting. Its safe, Its perfect.

Of course there are a lot of things about him that would probably make me insane if we were officially a couple. Despite the fact that I hate labels, he has completely assumed the role of my emotional boyfriend. For instance, I like that he drinks a lot, and has a puppy, and loves food- cause I love those things. I love that he is close with his family cause so am I. I like that he’s stong, and when he does those forearm gripers at 160 pounds of force I can’t help but wonder what it would be like for him to finger me. I like that he’s really manly and brews his own beer. 

I hate that he constantly talks about a) not having money and b) how he’s ‘about’ to get a job.  I don’t like to feel guilty for having the money to do the things that I want or for having a ridiculously good job.  Its not a turn on- at all. Worse than that as of yesterday, he started to shave his beard. Now he has somekind of facial hair that doesn’t have an official name.  He’s mentioned that I don’t know what he looks like without a beard. Actually I do cause I’ve seeen pictures. Problem is, he’s not as good looking.  Because he’s so chubby, the beard gives his face a better shape and it tickles my neck when he’s spooning behind me and goes with his otherwise manly exterior. However, you can’t tell someone they look better with a beard “yeah, um I like you better when half your face is covered”. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday, when I noticed he shaved I just didn’t say anthing. Would he get that hint? Afterall, I put dreads in my hair and that’s not cute for a white girl- at least according to my best guy friend, but he would never tell me what to do with my hair so what right do I have?   Overall, since I don’t want to give anyone a chance right now, the fact that I’m giving him a chance seems gracious of me, right?

Its a good thing that none of my boyfriends are dating me back, or I would never be able to commit to this many relationships. Luckily, all the fantastic drama is totally one sided and completely in my head so it hasn't been too difficult. However, I cannot possibly concentrate on this campus with Romeo(as we will call him because, well, if I had to drink poison to be with him, I would) walking around single. What a terrible terrible shameful waste of a fine peace of arse! However, this dismall fog is punctuated by beacons of hope . Obviously, I had a four day affair with that person that put him in the ranks of some of the best things I ever 'did', if you will. The fact that we have already had consensual sex several times makes my chances better with him(and hopefully more timely as I'm dying a little everyday), at least compared to someone who has not consented to their penis in my vagina. Not to mention he can go forever- almost to a fault. And while I have only had inside outside earth shattering leg shaking orgasms with two people in my life, the fact that there was a second means that a third might not be so impossible.