I didn't really know I felt that way

In response to an email concerning God, the greater, and virtue from my brother Joe in a message with the subject line "yo"

Have we not talked about that ever? I would describe myself as spiritual as opposed to religious because, like you alluded to, i have these feelings of something greater and i have some kind of relationship with this 'itch', if you will, though I'm constantly questioning it. I often find myself looking for proof of 'God' in nature and interactions with other people. Love is the biggest indicator of the presence of an ultimate creator that i can find, the closest image of perfection worth striving for. 

I feel like I have an almost burdensome amount of it that I feel like I'm supposed to share, but who where when how and why- the answer is all the time for no reason everywhere. At the end of the day I really only give a shit about if I could generate a few extra smiles on the faces of people I cared about and if I observed something amusing, no matter how unseemingly brilliant(for example a slug as long as my hand the other day which I watched for quite some time).

I was actually thinking about how great/simple things seemed in Senegal because though they certainly had the normal pressures of everyday life, the most important things to do every day were to eat, take time to greet people, and have faith. 

I'll leave you with this story. I don't know how relevant this is but I definetly felt like something very small in a very big, powerful, awe-some thing yesterday so i will leave you with that story and no, it is not when I learned what 'supermaning that ho' means.

I spent tuesday night at the student union studying for my political science test. At one point I was in this mans way who picked up a pen, gave it to me since I was the only one at the table, pushed in some chairs and I asked "am I in the way" to which he responded "not at all I just have to check the thermostat". So my friend and I talked about it for a while after he left, like, is that his job and how do I get it? Is he doing that in the whole building- or the whole campus- what a cute little old man...etc. So later two girls(emily + cara ) and I went to have a cigarette(i quit yesterday by the way and feel great about it) but we ran into him on the way out and I said "ya know, the temperature in that room is perfect and I never knew who to thank before, so i just wanted you to know i really appreciate it cause i have been in there for hours". He said 'yeah, no problem, somebody's gotta check' and of course my friends looked at me like 'why are you so random and unnecessarily friendly?' 

So the next day after I took a really hard test, Emily said that we should go thrift store shopping cause It would be fun, and i needed a break before studying again, anyway.

So I'm trying to decide if its okay for me to buy shoes that are really cute but half a size too small. So I was talking out loud saying "is it okay to buy used shoes that don't fit right" and this cute little lady in a wheelchair rolled up(pun intended) and said "oh sure. i used to buy shoes for my kids here all the time and just never told them- but they probably will always squish your toes if they do now. go on. walk around. how can you tell just standing there" etc. I thought it was funny that I was shoeshopping with someone with someone in a wheelchair but thats not the point. So I decided to get them( and they were only three dollars anyway) She was behind us in line and we got to talking(the only thing more outta control than a friendly young person is a friendly old person) and she only really talked about her kids cause one of them lives in evanston so thats relevant to me and emily. All of a sudden this guys walks up and I say "Oh my gosh! the thermostat guy! you two know each other?" and he laughed and said "well we've been married for a really long time". So we all laughed about what a small world it was. Alan and Sandy. He's works at the union and she answers phones for the bus company that takes kids home to chicago and as soon as she said it doman recognized her voice having probably talked to this woman on a dozen other occasions. The went to U of I in the 60's. So the story ends when we said it was nice to meet them as we left and Sandy said "God bless". 

It felt sooo intense. I mean, I don't know about what I believe in, but Sandy knows what God she believes in and she sincerely appealed to him to send me a blessing. I can only hope I will be so moved/lucky again in the future(but I have faith that I will).

So on your search you aren't alone, but may you be blessed by God or Love or whatever it is you believe in and are searching for, but for now, personally, I'll settle on any blessing I can get from any God whose in the hearts of good people like Sandy and Alan.